Rules for Fighting Fair

As mentioned when I talked about my hate/hate relationship with conflict, one of the things we did recently in our marriage Bible study was to come up with some ground rules for fighting fair.

Here's a few that we came up with. If you have any more to share, I'd love to hear!

1. Take Turns. Each person gets a turn to explain their point of view, without interruptions.

2. Don't Get Historical. Keep the past in the past. If you have forgiven them for past mistakes, they need not to be rehashed every time you argue.

3. Don't Get Hysterical, Either. Stay calm. Yelling and screaming don't help you get your point across.

4. Try Not to Take it Personally. Remember that conflict is normal, and healthy. One of you doesn't have to be right, and one wrong--you can just have different opinions.

5. Be Picky. Ask yourself if what you're arguing about is really worth arguing about. If you're arguing just for the sake of being right, stop.


I struggle most with number four. What about you?

On Conflict

Let me really honest here: I do not like conflict. Not at all. I would rather just pretend everything is okay than deal with any issues in any of my relationships.

What usually happens when Josh and I disagree is that I just give in and let it go, because that is easier to me than dealing with a disagreement. And if that doesn't solve the problem, then I get upset and cry and go to bed.

Yeah. Not the healthiest strategy.

Fortunately for Josh and I, we have been growing through Chip Ingram's "Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage" with another couple from our church. We are almost through the study and have learned some really great things about what marriage is designed to look like, intimacy, and communication. But I'll admit, when I found out last night's topic was "Conflict Resolution: How to Fight Fair", I got a little squirmy.  I don't even like to talk about conflict. Ugh.

I am so glad we did, though. We discussed some ground rules for fighting fair and why we each react to conflict differently.

What stood out for me more than anything else is that conflict is normal. I guess this might be a "duh" moment for a lot of people, but it really resonated with me. Conflict is normal, it is healthy, and it is a necessary part of marriage.

Chip gave the example of Paul and Barnabas in the Bible. We don't know all the juicy details, but basically, these two amazing missionaries parted ways because they couldn't agree on what to do with John Mark. Two of the Godliest guys in history had conflict. In the end, their conflict actually allowed them to spread the Gospel to more places individually than if they had gone together.

This isn't the first time I've heard "conflict is healthy" but it was the first time I really was able to see the truth in that statement. I'm hoping that this revelation will help lessen my dislike for conflict, and help me learn to deal with it constructively.

What about ya'll? Do you do conflict well, or does it scare the heck out of you too? I'm planning another post on Ground Rule for Fighting Fair, so I'd love suggestions!

Love & Respect

A few years ago, when Josh & I had first started dating, my mom gave me the book Love and Respect as a Christmas present. We had been together not quite six months, but we both knew by then it was going someplace serious. And I think my mom knew too, which is why she gave me a book for married couples.
 As I do with most books, I started to read it almost immediately. And as I do with most nonfiction books, I got distracted a few chapters in and it got forgotten on the bookshelf.

The book's main theme is pretty self explanatory- that wives desperately need to know their husbands love them, and husbands desperately need to know that their wives respect them.

Well, duh.

When I first read the book, as I said, Josh and I were just dating. Many of the points addressed in the book didn't necessarily apply to us, because we were still in the "honeymoon" phase.

Look how cute we were!

Fast forward a few years later, and we are quickly approaching our second wedding anniverary. While I will say our second year has been significantly easier than the first, we still have our moments where we want to strangle each other. And at the end of many of our fights battles disagreements, I am left feeling like we're going in circles.

Not long ago I picked up the book again to see what advice it would offer. This time around, I am proud to say I made it all the way through the entire book, and loved it.

One of the things that struck me the most was how often I, as a wife, fail to show my husband that I respect him. I'm really good at showing him I love him, because that's what comes naturally to me. But so often, especially when I am frustrated, I don't act like I respect him. I make sarcastic comments and roll my eyes and let the little things bug me. Then, because he feels disrespected, he is not particularly loving towards me, and the cycle continues. This handy infographic explains it better than I ever could:

I'm not doing a great job of explaining this, but trust me, when I read the book, a light bulb went off in my head. I've been trying to be more aware of how I speak to Josh, and to make it obvious how much I do respect him.

If you're married, or in a serious relationship, I can't recommend this book enough!

Now, your turn... what books have positively affected your relationships? Please share!

Learning to Wait

I think one of the most frustrating things is when I can’t fix things for Josh. Right now, he’s outside in the miserable Florida heat trying to repair the gas tank on his truck. I want to be able to help. But the limits of what I can do stops some where around ice water & ham sandwiches. I see him sweating and being frustrated and I want to fix it for him. Unfortunately my knowledge of car repair ranks right up there with my knowledge of brain surgery. Zip.

One of the things I’ve learned the most over the past few months is that I can’t always fix it. There are times I don’t have the solution, the expertise, the strength or the ability to fix things. As much as I want to do whatever it takes so that he’s not stressed out, it’s not always possible.

The same thing applies to our relationship. When we fight, or disagree, I want to make up immediately. I want to yell and scream for five minutes, get it out of my system, and then be done and hug and kiss and be all lovey dovey again. Not Josh. He needs more time to recuperate. When he’s angry or frustrated, it takes longer for him to come around than it takes me. He doesn’t want to talk or hug or cuddle. He wants to be left alone. It took me a long time to be okay with that, and I still have to work at it. It makes me sad and uncomfortable when I feel like he’s still angry, and I want the problem to go away immediately. I want to fix it. But he really just needs time. I’m learning that if I give him space, and don’t push him to be ready to make up as soon as I am, he eventually comes around and apologizes and all is right with the world.

I have to keep learning that I don’t have the answers to all the world’s problems, and not even to all of our problems. Sometimes it just takes time.